A few years ago, I stayed up really late and watched Robocop 2. I had seen it before as a teen and enjoyed it? Watched it because I liked Robocop? But like a lot action sci-fi films of the 90's, something about it seemed out of place. MORE after the jump.
So I stayed up late and watched it. And it, wow, ouch. Ouch. And I remember thinking way back when that maybe it was too long, and this time it seemed inSUFFERABLY long. SO, Here's what I wrote.
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Spoilers abound. This is opinion, much of it charged and over zealous (meaning that I'm not usually THIS passionate about what I'm talking about) due to the suckiness of suckitude. And it's late and I'm still up and typing this. Shame on me.
-Starts off with parody ad like in first film, car thief getting electrocuted in car he plans to steal. Pretty clever; movie goes downhill from there.
-This leads to the newsie exposition of the current drug craze and the state of the police department, still on strike from the first movie.
-Sequence of red light district (or downtown Detroit as envisioned by Frank Miller?) where people are shooting up new awesome drug on the street. An elderly woman's shopping cart full of empty cans is run over, and the man who runs over to assist her ends up pushing her to the ground and stealing her purse. Not to be outdone, that man is tripped by some hookers (or just well-dressed, for the early 90's, tramps) who beat him up and then rob him.
-A gun store is robbed (a gun store in the middle of the city in the worst neighborhood). It's presumed late at night and the owner is still in the shop. Three guys in a station wagon with wood panels (older than the Bugmobile) pull up and begin stealing weapons. This is the kind of place that the NRA might find a bit extreme and over the top. Or maybe it's right up their alley. I haven't been in a gun store, can someone let me know: do they actually sell bazookas? Light short range surface to surface missile launchers? By 'light' I mean did the actors bother to pretend that the armed bazooka might weigh a little bit?
-Oh, yes,the criminals demand to know where the bullets for the machine guns are, but these heavy duty weapons are LOADED/ARMED. IN THE STORE.
-A lone squad car pulls up. It is hit with the missile launcher, which causes the car to flip over. The bazooka causes more fireworks.
-Robocop makes his entrance, getting out of the car.
-So, here's the thing: It's been a few years since Robocop 1 in this movie universe, I'm assuming. Even with the police on strike, I would imagine that the heavily-publicized Robocop product (a bipedal humanoid robot) would have some impact on the criminal community. They would all know about him. They would know, through the criminal grapevine or even the news, that not even the ED-209 nor a swat team nor a cadre of criminals armed BY ROBOCOP'S VERY CORPORATE CREATORS ("we ARE the military") collectively were able to take him down. The criminal community should know through anecdotal evidence and trial and error that Robocop is not only bulletproof but a lethal computer-aided sharpshooter with an automatic handgun that fires more rounds per second than theirs (weapons). So, in this case, weapons usually only available to the military did not affect Robocop in the slightest, outside of he will have to file a police report for his damaged vehicle.
-And, knowing he's bulletproof and just survived a missile and bazooka attack, and that bullets will bounce off of him, THEY OPEN FIRE. Two are killed instantly. The THIRD keeps firing but runs. Robocop only injures this guy.
-This is supposed to be in the future but a good portion of the populace, even the criminal element, sport curly mullets and porn-staches.
-Robocop finds vials of "Nuke," the new drug, in the front seat. The vials are arranged perfectly among debris and fast food sandwich bags in a rack perfectly suited for them. The drug dealers must go to American Science & Surplus. No need for baggies or tin foil here!
-There's a limo waiting outside the door where the drug is created. Not conspicuous at all.
-Among the regular, normal boxes of presumable ingredients for the drug, the armed henchemen are seen carrying much larger, inconspicuous clear tubes of the bright red drug. So that we know that that's the drug, I guess.
-Someone has their baby at the drug plant.
-Robocop gets shot in the face by a junior high student or something. A foul mouth kid. I'm not sure what the reason for this is. Did Frank Miller & Co. think that the scene of successive muggings by the lowlifes described above wasn't enough to show the moral decay our country was in or headed to? Make one of the criminals a 13 year old. Better yet, make him look like someone who just walked off the set of an 80's sitcom with no wardrobe change.
-Robocop is next seen stalking his former family. The mailbox on the front lawn says "Murphy," in case you couldn't figure out that he's stalking his family, and not on stakeout. His ex-wife is dressed very conservatively, almost like she belongs on little house of the prairie. Flashbacks show the family connection, thus removing the need to have a mailbox that reads "Murphy" in giant letters. No other neighbor has a mailbox (they have a sidewalk, allowing letter carriers to go to the front door). I guess that's for the really stupid people in the audience.
-Murphy is back at the police station, given a lecture by a corporate stooge reminding him that he's property of OCP and that he's not Murphy anymore and not married yadda yadda yadda. There's a lawyer (for Mrs. Murphy?) who provides that Mrs. Murphy has had to have a lot of therapy and even hypnosis to deal with Murphy's drive bys (I think). Then they leave the room, which is a large room closing off Murphy and all the computer hardware from the rest of the station. Mrs. Murphy walks in, and Robocop gives her the brushoff. It's actually pretty traumatic. Done so, so that Robocop can passive-aggressively convince her to move on or something.
-EXCEPT THAT HE'S THE ONE DOING ALL THE REMINISCING AND STALKING AND SUCH.
-She runs off, probably needing more therapy. I guess I'm a wimpy softie who thinks that he could have said 'they're telling me I'm OCP property but please know that I still have memories of you and I won't forget, hold these memories with me but move on,' and then, like, loudly after she understands so that the OCP brass overhears, "Sorry, Lady, I think you have me confused with another robotic officer, like maybe your late husband, Edward McTwohundrednine!" And then he winks.
-(I'm a f***ing script writing genius.)
-Oh man, this movie is full of weird transitions. There's a commercial where a man kills himself because he didn't use an OCP service. Then, we cut to the OCP business. Perhaps in future movies, all product placement will be used in a similar fashion.
-Apparently the mayor of Detroit had signed an agreement with OCP to let them foreclose (and thus raze and rebuild) the city of Detroit. He's upset, but in the real word, this would be a really good idea.
-Next, a saucy business like brunette in a white businessy suit sits in with the only surviving junior exec from the last movie (the guy who gave the awkward thumbs up at the end, you know the cut-scene) and the Old Man as they watch videos of Robocop 2. No, not like in Spaceballs when they watch the eerily-well-predicted simul-release of the home video of the movie they're in (see, movies might come out on video AS they are released to theaters!). These are of the prototypes of the next Robocops, new & improved. Though I gotta tell you something, look up what current robots are like and aside from the arm-in-a-factory or those little circular vacuum cleaners, getting one to stand on two feet, drive a car, AND make split decisions as a beat cop in pressure situations...you've GOT one, he took down your military-grade robot, he appears to get the job done, why not make more like him?
-Anyway, these videos are of various Robocop 2's, and they kill one of the specialists and injure another before blowing outtheir human brains. There's a few of these. Each video has music and good editing. These are of FAILED products/projects. Why EDIT videos for FAILED products, especially if no one is going to see them?
-...And then show them to the top brass? "Here's the FAILED product. We got a local composer to do the music for us..."
-At the precinct, a jolly officer is seen sneaking away to use Nuke.
-Then in the NEXT scene, he's meeing the Junior High drug dealer. Not just in uniform, but in kevlar. We could have done without the previous scene.
-They're meeting at an ARCADE. See, in the future, people will still want to play Double Dragon. And pay money, in quarters, to play it. No one has a PS3 Or X-Box IN THE FUTURE.
-When Robocop enters, people throw stuff at him. For a while. This means that they have enough material (garbage, snack-like popcorn?) in their hands to continuously throw at him for a full minute.
-Robocop takes on the crooked cop, who actually throws a punch at Robocop. Again, it's ROBOCOP. Remember your SWAT team firing at him endlessly when your corporate masters was having an issue with him? You're going to PUNCH him? Well, you've got guts, that's for sure. Robocop throws him into a video game to extract info about the main drug dealer, "Kane" (or "Cain" or something like that). ("Cain," as in "Cain and Abel.") Meanwhile, his partner, Nancy Allen, takes on the little boy. She loses as he gets somehow less sympathetic. C'mon, millions of Star Wars fans f***ing love Darth Vader, and that guy helped blow up a planet. This kid is so easy to hate. I get it, he's a bad kid, he's trying to kill a police officer with piano wire.
-Using this info, Robocop travels from bad boarded up neighborhoods to various run-down abandoned factories. He cruises to the drug dealer's hideout where they blow up his car. It was a trap, but he managed to trick them into just blowing up the car and not him. I'm not sure what set off his robocop-sense about the bomb on the way in, but it seems like not something you'd want to set up at your only entrance into the building. Anyway, he sneaks in the building but everyone sees him. He comes across pictures of Our Lord, The Virgin Mary, and then one of Elvis, and scans over a skeleton dressed as The King (Elvis, not Jesus). What is the significance of this? Why have a preserved skeleton and display in an abandoned warehouse?
-Anyway, it looks like the cabal is represented by the foul mouthed kid, Cain, some girl, and this Rockabilly lookin' guy. He must be the Elvis aficionado. Robocop sees the girl and she silently leads him to an open area where he is faced with Cain, who speaks of how Jesus-like he is and this is the in-depth get-to-know-your-villain speech or something. The foul-mouthed kid shoots Robocop's gun-totin' hand off, a clean shot, with a large gun, and then Robocop is shocked by the girl. Then he's hit with an overhead large industrial magnet, which leads him to a table where they proceed to take turns chopping his body up (we see from Robocop's point of view). This goes on for a WHILE. Yes, I get it, these are bad guys and they're torturing Robocop.
-The bad guys pull up to the precinct in their gleaming white limo and quickly dump Robocop's convulsing robotic body parts off.
-None of the cops think, "I should get the license plate."
-Come to think of it, is there not a DEA or FBI in the not-too-distant future? Wouldn't Robocop have SOME protocol to contact these departments now that he has this location? This is the source of a national drug craze (one responsible for the violent, publicly carried out murder of the nation's Surgeon General). I think that maybe they would have to have a hand in intercepting Cain and his cronies. Robocop is awesome, but he's a beat cop.
-Various long and uninteresting scenes follow: the corporate stooge wants to shut down Robocop, the saucy business lady wants to use the brains of convicted killers for Robocop 2, and Cain has the crooked cop tortured in front of the little kid and the girl who looks like Lisa Bonet (it's not really for anyone). The Junior Exec Who Survived The First Movie tries to warn the Old Man of OCP that saucy business lady wants to use criminal brains, but Old Man, sitting in a sauna, NAKED, and his NAKED GROSS OLD BODY inform Junior Exec that he knows, and saucy business lady shows up with tea and starts undressing. Ah, she seduced the Old Man, with sex, and now he's naked and open to the idea of using criminal brains for Robocop 2.
-Robocop, or half of Robocop, is HUNG FROM THE CEILING in a vegetative state while the corporate people decide what to do with him. A screen pops out of his arm issuing a loud warning sign and siren. This seems REALLY impractical. There's a large monitor that pops out of his arm to loudly exclaim to everyone that he's having a system failure (dying)? Seriously? None of the ROOMS OF COMPUTERS he's hooked up to can tell you this?
-Saucy business lady tells various corporate people that they need to put new programs into Robocop if they're going to keep him. The corporate people start discussing various things that smell of the PC 90's...as imagined by Frank Miller. Like being environmentally conscious and being nice to people. (You know, because corporations have had such a great history in dealing with the environment, even today). Because they suggested it, we're supposed to groan. Oh man, you stuck it to the environment, Frank Miller! To this DAY, because of this, no one like environmental issues. (By the way, Rodney King was just a year or so away. Anyway...)
-Murphy resists as the business lady demands that he accept his new programming (one of which is, supposedly, "Don't go to Orion meetings." Someone snuck that in there but the uploaded list on the screen goes by too quickly and I'm not gonna waste time freeze framing it). With a few keystrokes, she, in this dramatic scene, overrides that will. "Having no choice makes you free," she says. So she's now the PC liberal femi-nazi who wishes to take control of the good GUY. God I love Frank Miller.
-The next scene is kinda weird. A rebuilt Robocop is admired in the precinct; the lab technician says "something's wrong." Because he's pleasant to people and talks all weird about what a beautiful day it is.
-This is where the movie hits rock, rock bottom. A little league team is robbing an electronics store. One kid films (and encourages) a little girl to hit the already beaten owner with an aluminum bat. Robocop and Nancy Allen show up and the coach opens fire. Nancy Allen kills the coach (shoots him in the head) and Robocop attempts to read the corpse his rights. Then he starts lecturing the kids on manners and stuff like that. The kids run away. I wonder what they tell their parents about the coach. Robocop is clearly a new age wimp! The scene is quick and yet goes on forever.
-Next, Robocop refuses to speed (man, what a WIMP) and then pulls over to turn off a fire hydrant the kids are using. The kids swear at him and one spray paints 'kik me' on his back. That can of spray paint was just sitting there? Anyway, as the son of a fireman, I don't side with the kids wasting water from the hydrant. I'm not cool like that I guess.
-Robocop then turns and unloads several rounds at a smoker, for smoking. See, he's so PC that he doesn't like smoking! Actually, I think the smoker is Frank Miller himself. Ah, the early 90's and resistance to those of us who don't smoke. I need Robocop to take care of my neighbors, they have been smoking like a chimney the last week and our apartment smells like cigarette smoke. Robocop, why does my stuff have to smell like their by-product? Not fair. Sadly, shooting at the smoker was the only (intentionally) funny bit of these new age PC friendly Robocop scenes. I think there could have been better dialogue written for Robocop with the little league team. But there's so many questions about that team, their now dead coach...I mean, WHY? What do you think of society that, in contrast to Robocop's new found new age softness, you need a dozen little leaguers robbing a place? I think even the most hardened of hardboiled police officers would want to call a social worker or therapist for these kids. Has peak oil hit? Dawn of the Dead? There's gotta be SOME reason to getting the kids, in uniform (post game?), to rob an electronics store. The coach had a minivan, how is he going to load it up with TVs and VCRs and get the kids home? Are the filmmakers IMPLYING THAT THE COACH INTENDED TO DRIVE OFF WITH A MINIVAN OF STOLEN ELECTRONIC GOODS, LEAVING THE KIDS BEHIND? I imagine at this point that those kids can take care of themselves on these mean streets. Still, WHY? Is this a reflection of society that I missed, even in the crime-riddled days of the Reagan 80's, or is there something in the filmmakers so dark and buried not so deep regarding what they expect out of people, including children?
-I mean, SERIOUSLY, WTF?
-Back at the precinct, Robocop gets fed up with the talk between his lab tech and Nancy Allen over how impossible it would to remove these programs, he gets up, leaves, and heads to a power generator thing and shocks himself. He falls over. The striking cops drop their 'we're on strike' signs and pick up Robocop and symbolically walk over their signs begrudging their cut pay and pension to bring their corporately produced replacement back to the station to care for him.
-I think when I first saw this I stopped paying close attention after he was chopped up. I think most people rightfully tuned out after the little league scene.
-HOWEVER, Robocop checks his primary functions and sees that he has none. Not even "uphold the law." He demands to be put down, and then leads the cops to Cain's HQ, which doesn't look like the same abandoned factory from earlier. The cops and henchmen open fire at each other. Cain gets away in an armored car, and even runs over Robocop. But Robocop's been rebuilt, and hangs on to the front of the truck. Driving through alleyways with Robocop trying to break into the front window is nowhere near as interesting as it should be. Until Cain manages to knock Robocop off by running the hanging robot into a pole. Good sound effect is utilized. Robocop commandeers a motorcycle and now an early 90's dream exists: Robocop on a hog. Not as cool as it should be. Robocop and Cain play chicken, where Robocop wins by tackling Cain in the front seat. The truck is overturned and Cain is critically injured.
-Blah blah blah blah. The movie continues but who cares. Business Lady has her psycho for Robocop 2, visits the hospital (owned by OCP?) and pulls the plug on Cain.
-The mayor is having a telethon to save Detroit. It's disturbing for the sight of the taint of a nimble man playing violin. No one calls. Perhaps this is only broadcast in Chicago? Then the little drug dealer and Lisa Lisa call and offer to bail out the city. The Mayor's fat aide notifies OCP. The four people who work for OCP at this point (Old Man, Junior Executive, Business Lady, Corporate Stooge) agree to do something illegal. Business lady visits a lab with giant glowing red cannister of Nuke and takes it to a robotic looking thing. Here's our first glimpse of Robocop 2!
-The mayor and his aide meet with the remaining drug dealers. The kid makes a good case for legalization. Then Cain aka Robocop 2 shows up, we get a few glimpses but it looks pretty bad-ass. Granted, it's dark. The mayor comically mugs his way out of the room as it kills everyone. I don't need to give you details other than the creepy moment where it recognizes its former girlfriend, and the head opens up to reveal a monitor with a computer generated image of Cain. The robot only grunts. It'd be way cooler if it waxed philosophical before killing people. Anyway, the girl rubs its robotic claw seductively, which is mindblowingly disturbing, and thus it kills her.
-Robocop shows up, and finds the only survivor, the drug dealing kid. Robocop offers to call an ambulance but the kid says no, he's going cold and now knows what it's like to die, just like Robocop (he says). This is supposed to be touching, but it's...not.
-Anyway, we're nearing the end. We sat through all that, we should be rewarded with something, like maybe some kick ass Phil Tippett stop motion craziness, right? Maybe. OCP is having a party where they celebrate their takeover of the Detroit. The Gestapo, the corporate police, are outside keeping reporters and the rabble away from the Old Man's limo. Inside, the Old Man brings up a giant model of the new Detroit, the mayor interjects but is shouted down by the reporters. Then Robocop 2 is introduced, and he looks much lamer than he did in the last scene. The Old Man brings out a cannister of nuke, not getting the memo of the particular criminal who is in Robocop 2, and Robocop 2 goes nuts for it. It tries to open fire on Robocop 1, but Business Lady has a remote that looks like a complex all-in-one TV remote that keeps it disarmed. Robocop 2 easily grabs it, arms itself, crushes the remote, and opens fire, killing the corporate gestapo, a few reporters, which is weird because none of these people are anywhere near Robocop 1. I guess that's the point?
-A fight ensues, and it's not interesting because both Robocops are slow, lumbering objects. Maybe watching Robocop 2 run up an elevator shaft is pretty cool. The stop motion is what I tuned in for and I'm kinda disappointed. Anyway, they fall off the roof of the building (a very tall skyscraper, pretty extravagant for a community center type place donated by OCP) and into the parking garage, through a few layers of concrete.
-I'd like to point out that when Peter Weller gets up, you can see some 5 o'clock shadow.
-The fight goes on for a bit. Robocop 2 kills a lot of innocent people. We're treated to a women getting shot in the knees, a man runs up to help her up and is shot in the back several times. Cut to two reporters on a van getting gunned down. This movie is pretty brutal.
-Anyway, Nancy Allen distracts Robocop 2 with that giant vial of Nuke, and Robocop 1 jumps on his back and the fight drags on and Robocop 1 pulls out Robocop 2's brain. That should be the end of it, but instead Robocop 2 watches in horror as Robocop 1 smashes THE CLEARLY, ALREADY DISCONNECTED BRAIN.
-The corporate guys offer up the corporate lady as a sacrifice to the legal system for OCP's criminal negligence.
-The Old Man steps over a wounded person that the police are attending to, gets in a limo, and drives off. Nancy Allen says 'he's getting away,' and Robocop responds, "Patience, Lewis. We're only human."
THE END.
Other thoughts:
-Cain looks like George Carlin. I always wondered about this: was this a dig at Carlin? Sort of a swipe at anti-anti-authoritarians? Ever notice how in some of these movies, the "rebels" are rebelling for 'freedom' that typically resembles some sort of yesteryear pre-hippie law & order conformist utopia? I'm serious. Don't hate on George is what i'm saying.
-My soul died a little while watching this again, and paying attention.
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