This thing just rolls on. Another scene drastically changed in every draft.
Characters: Cobra Commander, Scarlet, Joe Biden, Clarence Thomas, Sonia Sotomayor, Tom Brokaw (video), Michelle Malkin (video)
SCENE 10
Center stage – CLARENCE THOMAS & JOE BIDEN. COBRA COMMANDER and SCARLET
are off to the side There’s also a podium. Video rolls:
are off to the side There’s also a podium. Video rolls:
TOM BROKAW
Good evening. This is NBC News. I’m Tom Brokaw. In a few moments, Joseph Biden will be sworn in as
the 45th president of the United States, despite reports of massive voter fraud in this election. His running
mate, the new Vice President Cobra Commander, is the CEO of Cobra, a ruthless organization once bent
on taking over the world, now a private military contractor, which also provided electronic voting booths for
this election, with no independent oversight. Many voters have complained that the machines would not
acknowledge votes for the Republican Party, while many others claimed intimidation by the supposedly non-
partisan “Crimson Guard,” Cobra agents present in voting halls across America supposedly as “security.”
However, this reporter, with the backing of NBC, is willing to dive in deep to uncover the truth and-
the 45th president of the United States, despite reports of massive voter fraud in this election. His running
mate, the new Vice President Cobra Commander, is the CEO of Cobra, a ruthless organization once bent
on taking over the world, now a private military contractor, which also provided electronic voting booths for
this election, with no independent oversight. Many voters have complained that the machines would not
acknowledge votes for the Republican Party, while many others claimed intimidation by the supposedly non-
partisan “Crimson Guard,” Cobra agents present in voting halls across America supposedly as “security.”
However, this reporter, with the backing of NBC, is willing to dive in deep to uncover the truth and-
ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this expose with an announcement: NBC has been purchased by MARS Technologies, a
division of Cobra. We now return to the inauguration, as Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas swears in
our 45th president, Joe Biden. Stay tuned after for a new episode of Whitney.
division of Cobra. We now return to the inauguration, as Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas swears in
our 45th president, Joe Biden. Stay tuned after for a new episode of Whitney.
Lights up.
CLARENCE THOMAS
If you could please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
JOE BIDEN
After me.
CLARENCE and JOE laugh. They are the only ones who find this funny.
CLARENCE THOMAS
Okay, okay. “I, Joe Biden, do solemnly swear.”
JOE BIDEN
I, Joe ‘the animal’ Biden, do solemnly swear.
CLARENCE THOMAS
“that I will support and defend the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.”
JOE BIDEN
That I will support and defend the…what? I’ve gotta do that myself? That’s what I hired Cobra for. Fine.
CLARENCE THOMAS
“That I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.”
JOE BIDEN
That I will…wait, that makes no sense. Does ‘that same’ refer to my enemies, foreign and domestic?
SCARLETT
He means the constitution, jackass!
CLARENCE THOMAS
just say the line.
JOE BIDEN
That I will bear true faith to the something or other.
CLARENCE THOMAS
“That I take this obligation freely, without any”…HOLY COW, check out the rack on that one!
JOE BIDEN
Where? Where?
CLARENCE THOMAS
(points to member in the audience) Over there! Third row!
JOE BIDEN
Awww yeah. (Joe and Clarence high five) Hey honey, what are you doin’ later?
Wanna party with the president?
Wanna party with the president?
Everyone else is embarrassed. Lights out, video.
ANNOUNCER
Good evening. And welcome back to NBC News with a BREAKING! REPORT! Here’s your host,
Michelle Malkin.
Michelle Malkin.
MICHELLE MALKIN
Hello, I’m Michelle Malkin, anchor for NBC News, and proud that this once godless leftist media outlet is
now owned and controlled by a weapons manufacturer. Today, a destructive scandal rocks Washington as
new President Joe Biden STEPS DOWN from the Oval Office, resigning in disgrace after the first week of
his health care initiative. President Biden had added his own clause to the recent bill, one that allowed FREE
MANDATORY GYNECOLOGY exams to every woman over the age of 17. Though conservatives were
rightfully in an uproar over handing out FREE healthcare to deadbeat sluts, the real scandal was uncovered
when the first freeloader, requested by the clause to be Stacy Keibler of Los Angeles, California,
discovered that her Gynecologist would be President Joe Biden himself. After many calls to step down by
religions leaders, as those are the only people we should look to for advice on national matters, President
Biden resigned effective this morning. We go now as the new chief justice, Sonya Sotomayor, swears in a
true patriot, war profiteer, and Vice President, Cobra Commander, as our 46th President.
now owned and controlled by a weapons manufacturer. Today, a destructive scandal rocks Washington as
new President Joe Biden STEPS DOWN from the Oval Office, resigning in disgrace after the first week of
his health care initiative. President Biden had added his own clause to the recent bill, one that allowed FREE
MANDATORY GYNECOLOGY exams to every woman over the age of 17. Though conservatives were
rightfully in an uproar over handing out FREE healthcare to deadbeat sluts, the real scandal was uncovered
when the first freeloader, requested by the clause to be Stacy Keibler of Los Angeles, California,
discovered that her Gynecologist would be President Joe Biden himself. After many calls to step down by
religions leaders, as those are the only people we should look to for advice on national matters, President
Biden resigned effective this morning. We go now as the new chief justice, Sonya Sotomayor, swears in a
true patriot, war profiteer, and Vice President, Cobra Commander, as our 46th President.
Video out, Lights up on center again. SONYA SOTOMAYOR is swearing in COBRA COMMANDER, with SCARLETT behind him.
SONYA SOTOMAYOR
“I, state your name.”
COBRA COMMANDER
I, um, Cobra Commander.
SONYA SOTOMAYOR
“…am now president, and I remember the LAST guy, and I vow to do a better job than he did.”
COBRA COMMANDER
Uh-
SCARLET
I don’t think that’s how you swear him in.
SONYA SOTOMAYOR
Lady, seriously, I took on Major League Baseball, okay? Don’t fuck with me. I wanna get this done as
quickly as possible. We have to vote on the ‘legitimacy’ of rape, and if I don’t vote the right way, Scalia is
gonna include the right to slip women roofies as part of his argument. So, you, Buckethead, make with the
yap yap.
quickly as possible. We have to vote on the ‘legitimacy’ of rape, and if I don’t vote the right way, Scalia is
gonna include the right to slip women roofies as part of his argument. So, you, Buckethead, make with the
yap yap.
COBRA COMMANDER
I vow to do a better job than the lasssst guy.
SONYA SOTOMAYOR
Perfect. You’re married. Kiss her.
COBRA COMMANDER / SCARLET
What?
SONYA SOTOMAYOR
I mean you’re president. Amen. Now go preside.
Sotomayor leaves, Cobra Commander remains, confused. “hail to the chief” plays. Scarlet reaches
for Cobra Commander’s hand, and turns her head. He reaches for her other hand. She can’t look at
him but is smiling. Cobra Commander approaches the podium.
for Cobra Commander’s hand, and turns her head. He reaches for her other hand. She can’t look at
him but is smiling. Cobra Commander approaches the podium.
COBRA COMMANDER
Thank you, everyone. Thankssss for all your hard work. I gotta sssay, I didn’t expect to get to this point,
this way. But here I am, leader of the free world. We were elected because we promised to bring
freedom…our brand of freedom…to the sssshores of other nationsss. They weren’t ready for our brand of
freedom, but we made them ready. Now other brandssss of freedom are free to be free and to brand
themssselves and the newly free people with their freedom. Freedom. Branding. Freedom branding. Brought
to you by Cobra, and M.A.R.S., and other good people who sssstand to work FOR America. Freedom.
(beat) Jobssss. (beat) The whole abortion thing, I’m ssssstill a little iffy on, I’ll get back to you, BUT with
your help I’m going to do my best to make sure that we’re going to have it all!
this way. But here I am, leader of the free world. We were elected because we promised to bring
freedom…our brand of freedom…to the sssshores of other nationsss. They weren’t ready for our brand of
freedom, but we made them ready. Now other brandssss of freedom are free to be free and to brand
themssselves and the newly free people with their freedom. Freedom. Branding. Freedom branding. Brought
to you by Cobra, and M.A.R.S., and other good people who sssstand to work FOR America. Freedom.
(beat) Jobssss. (beat) The whole abortion thing, I’m ssssstill a little iffy on, I’ll get back to you, BUT with
your help I’m going to do my best to make sure that we’re going to have it all!
Applause from the rest of the cast. Cobra Commander waves at them and shakes more hands, and approaches the audience to do the same as the lights dim until they finally go out.
==================================
I really liked the 1st and 2nd draft: it's was election night, and C.Commander has won the presidency. The stage would be split: one side, Xamot & Tomax addressing the crowd. On the other, Scarlet preparing C. Commander to address his supporters. And then Joe Biden walks in pretending to be a waiter (C. Commander thinks it's Zartan) and demands that Commander give up the presidency. I guess this would be the only conflict in the show. Since everything (in previous drafts) about the previous scene suggested a huge passage of time, and this scene does too, I decided to scrap both and have yet what amounts to ANOTHER montage (four separate actions: video, sworn-in, another video, sworn-in) and let the newsies advance the plot.
In this draft, both Tom Brokaw and Michelle Malkin have way too much to say. Way too much, I'd have to cut it down. I'm obsessed with the idea of Brokaw objecting to Cobra/MARS buying NBC, "now we're owned by a weapons manufacturer!" I may just have to kill that 'gag.' C. Commander's speech at the end is the only holdover from these scenes, and I might have had to cut that down or completely. I just like "the whole abortion thing, I'm still a little iffy on, I'll get back to you..."
Anyway, now he's president.
I like the bit between Biden and Thomas.
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