CITIZEN COBRA - Scene 4

I apologize for this one. Don't click on the jump if you have low tolerance for sleaze, because I do my best to do my worst. There's some swearing and some terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE innuendo, and I apologize to the Vice President. And to the Onion, of course, and everyone else who gives Uncle Joe this sort of One Louder personality. I'm really sorry...

Scene 4

We’re in Cobra Commander’s bedroom. Lights are off save for an arc that goes over Cobra Commander’s bedroom, simulating the moonlight going through his window. There’s a nightstand with a lamp; the lampshade, as well as the blanket, is covered in the Cobra logo. Also on the nightstand is a glass of water. COBRA COMMANDER is sleeping in the bed. JOE BIDEN is nearly hidden in the darkness.

COBRA COMMANDER

(coughs) ugh, need ssssome water.

JOE BIDEN

Here you go.

Joe Biden hands Cobra Commander a glass of water.

COBRA COMMANDER

Thank you.

Cobra Commander takes a sip of the water…maybe through a straw.

COBRA COMMANDER

Waitaminute

Cobra Commander turns on the light on the nightstand. The stage is somewhat illuminated, his bed and the nightstand, and  Joe Biden, who opens up a can of PBR and raises it as a half-toast/salute/greeting.

COBRA COMMANDER

Guardssss! Intruder!

JOE BIDEN

Oh, I took care of the guards hours ago, CC. I can call you ‘CC,’ right? You got a nickname?
What do your friends call you? Chromedome? Stretch? Firecrotch?

COBRA COMMANDER

Who are you?

JOE BIDEN

I’m Joe Biden. (takes a swig of beer)

COBRA COMMANDER

Vissssse Presssssident Joe Biden?

JOE BIDEN

Yeah, just one of my few jobs I got goin’ on. Hey, you know those ‘work from home’ signs you see on the 
side of highway exits? I might start doin’ that for some extra cash. (pulls out a pack of cigarettes) Listen, 
can I smoke in here, or are you going to be a dick about it?

COBRA COMMANDER

Um, I’d rather…you not. What are you doing here? How did you get in here?

JOE BIDEN

I rode in on the Biden express.  My Yamaha kamikaze crotch rocket. Don’t tell the ol’ lady, but I pull up 
next to some hot snatch in a convertible, rev it up, and I can tell I just made her soak herself-

COBRA COMMANDER

What are YOU doing here? How did you find me?

JOE BIDEN

I wanna say I had some intel, some top secret shit like that, but you know what? We don’t even need a 
satellite to see that Cobra logo you carved into the side that volcano and bam, it’s a quick ride down I-80 
and into the Terrordome. What’s with the merchandising? (lifts up Cobra Commander’s blanket) How 
much of your budget is spent on slappin’ your logo on everything? I wish the Democrats had branding this good.

COBRA COMMANDER

Vissssse Pressssident Biden, what isssss going on here?

JOE BIDEN

I’m here on behalf of that other guy.

COBRA COMMANDER

The pressssident ssssent you… to kill me?

JOE BIDEN

What? No, but dude, check it. If he sent me to take care of Bin Ladin, I’d have the perfect one-liner. I’d 
break in and be all, “Helllllo, and gooood BIDEN.” And then BAM, one fisty-punch to the face and: dead 
terrorist! Pretty awesome, right? But hey, that’s why I’m here. I got a job offer.

COBRA COMMANDER

A job offer?

JOE BIDEN

So listen, I wanna get the twenty sixteen election wrapped up sooner so’s I can get to chasin’ some major 
tail. If you know what I mean.  (pauses) I mean doin’ some broads. Biden-style. The mouth-breathin’ 
dumbshits who vote seem to like it when we abuse executive power to nail a few terrorist fuckers. I guess 
it’s cheaper to send a couple dudes on a weekend to bump off a couple actual terrorists compared to, I 
don’t know, sending in the army to kill a lot of innocent civilians or some such shit. So kudos to us, right? 
But shit,we still got some biz-nezz to take care of, and people are pissed even though we got rid of 
Quaddaffi and Mubarek and Putin.

COBRA COMMANDER

Wait, Vladimir Putin? He’s still-

JOE BIDEN

We’re getting to that, don’t worry. Anyway, I figure that if the last Vice President could send in his private 
company to do all the work in the countries he invaded, I could find get my hands on a private contractor 
and clean up the cash spill when I’m president.

COBRA COMMANDER

Okay, what is with the-

BIDEN

You get involved, I look good, BAM, I’m top dog in the oval office, getting’ me some high class interns in 
their… Oval ‘Oriface.’ If you know what I mean. (takes another swig from his PBR, and then tosses the 
empty can on the ground, and then pulls out another PBR from his coat pocket and opens it up.)

COBRA COMMANDER

You wanna hire COBRA for sssssome ssssspecial opssss work?

JOE BIDEN

I mean poundin’ those girls. But yeah, I need someone with the less reputable contacts, not bound by the 
Geneva Convention, and with their own infrastructure and supply chain to get the ball rollin’. So I can get 
MY balls rollin’.

COBRA COMMANDER

(sighs) Pleasssse, no-

JOE BIDEN

When I’m ballin’ some floozies!

COBRA COMMANDER

I’ve sworn to take over America!

JOE BIDEN

Dude, look at the history of our friends and enemies. The family of our numero uno terrorist was business 
partners with the families of former presidents. They still get to do business…hell, Cheney wasn’t the only 
one hittin’ the champagne rooms after we invaded. Sixteen of the guys who took down the towers are from 
the country that’s our biggest weapons client.  It goes around and around like that. We’ve got some things 
we wanna do, we got some ways we can’t legally have our army involved, so maybe if we knew someone 
who could use a few bucks, under the radar, willin’ to get their hands dirty…

Joe Biden flips on the bedroom lightswitch. Opposite stage light shows a pallet of money.

JOE BIDEN

That’s just a down payment. And if you pull this off (Joe hands cobra Commander an envelope) there’ll 
be more where that comes from. I gotta BLOW. I gotta meet my sweethearts-

COBRA COMMANDER

-who are going to blow you, yessss, I get it.

Long pause from, Biden, who turns serious and is now offended.

JOE BIDEN

Dude, no. My daughters. They’re taking me out to dinner for my birthday. What is WRONG with you?

Biden walks out, tossing his beer can on the ground.

======================================================

...really sorry for everyone because this scene saved the whole damn thing. I was STUCK when I was writing it, and fought hard to get through scenes 2 and 3. That's right, those scenes were incredibly difficult to write! And I had already outlined them. The first draft had two Agent Johnsons, one of the FBI, the other from the CIA, no relation, but they ARE dating. That was the ONLY joke in this bit. They asked Cobra Commander how he came to be C.Commander, and he told them. So you got some (of my own made up) background about C.Commander.

Then I thought, what if I made his contact an actual person...from the government? But, who?

Well, Joe Biden. Then I can make it about the election. I had planned for so many PNAC (Project For A New American Century) types to make appearances, but no one knows who they are. And though it's his fault, putting in George W. Bush in a parody of the war just would be too easy and probably divide up the audience politically. Like, "oh, you're making fun of W again. Well, not funny, and I'm out of here." But BIDEN, a Democrat...somewhat unexpected? Make him out to be the worst lout I can dream up?

"You write douchebags really well," said a friend.

This lit up the room during the reading of the first draft and probably kept the script alive for future development. My friend Sean H, who I bounced ideas off during previous drafts, read this part and he read it so well that we just assumed he'd be playing Joe Biden when the show went into production. Or at least I did.

This is somewhat the same. I tried to amp up Biden in the previous draft and though it got laughs, Sean said that it was a bit creepier. So I cut out some of the sleaze I had added. Not sure if we'd just have a pallet full of money hiding on the stage, until the light came on. During the staged reading, he handed C.Commander an envelope and left. I would've been happy with that in a real production. Anyway.