CITIZEN COBRA - Scene 11

Scene 11. Almost there.

CHARACTERS: Cobra Commander, Destro, Baroness, Xamot, Tomax, Scarlet, Zartan

Ahmed Chalabi - man, if you don't know, I can't tell you. You gotta look him up.

SCENE 11

We’re in the Oval Office. Cobra Commander sits behind a desk. There is a red phone on the desk. An American flag is behind him. BARONESS & AHMED CHALABI are in attendance. “Hail To The Chief” plays, and fades out as Lights up.

BARONESS

(to Ahmed Chalabi) Go ahead, tell him what you told me.

AHMED CHALABI

Saudi Arabia is a hotbed of terrorist activity and should be invaded.

COBRA COMMANDER

I’m ssssorry, I don’t think we can do that.

AHMED CHALABI

Oh no. The people will greet us with open arms.

BARONESS

The place is loaded with oil!

AHMED CHALABI

They are in need of a regime change. I have a list of new rulers to appoint once you safely and swiftly 
occupy Mecca. Myself is humbly at the top of this list.

COBRA COMMANDER

I’m sorry, what was your name again?

AHMED CHALABI

I am Ahmed Chalabi.

BARONESS

He is FULL of this stuff! Destro found him hanging around the Pentagon!

AHMED CHALABI

I provided intel for the invasion of Iraq. Now, as I was saying, it would be best if you used- (turns to 
Baroness) Madam Vice President Baroness, did you say, ‘private troops from MARS and Cobra?’

BARONESS

(to Chalabi) Don’t look at me, look at him! (to Commander) President Commander, isn’t he great? And 
he only charges like $300,000 a month for this intel!

COBRA COMMANDER

Mr. Chalabi, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, I…have other appointments.

BARONESS

Awww, can’t he stay?

COBRA COMMANDER

(annoyed) Vice President Baroness, please? We have an appointment with Destro.

Baroness gets up with Chalabi and leads him to an exit.

BARONESS

Here’s the government ATM card. You just withdraw what you need and we’ll get back to you when we 
need to draw up the planning.

As Chalabi exits, Destro enters.

COBRA COMMANDER

We’re NOT going to be planning anything of the sssort- Secretary of State DESTRO! Finally.

DESTRO

Oh, was that Ahmed Chalabi! (laughs) Oh, wow, does he have some IDEAS! Can you believe it? Once 
the check clears from the Saudis on OLD Mars weapons, we can buy some NEW Mars weapons for 
Cobra troops…

COBRA COMMANDER

We’re NOT doing that! We’re still paying off these other wars. And we’re not using Cobra troops!

DESTRO

But think of the billable hours! I mean, we’d be there FOREVER!

Xamot & Tomax enter.

COBRA COMMANDER

This is what I wanted to talk to you guys about! I’m looking at the budget and it’s blowing up every day 
we’re in office! You’re replacing education with Cobra troops in the classroom. You’re replacing 
transportation with train lines that only go to towns named “Springfield.” The Department of the Interior is 
just a bunch of drones circling the sky and shooting anyone you guys don’t like. (Baroness & Destro 
high five each other) And then the department of the Treasury…

XAMOT

Is there…

TOMAX

A problem…

XAMOT & TOMAX

With our economic recovery plan?

COBRA COMMANDER

Yes! You used the department of the Treasury to bail yourselves out!

XAMOT

Don’t worry. We put that money to good use.

TOMAX

We invested in America…by using that money to buy up all the nation’s debt.

XAMOT & TOMAX

Crimson Holdings is now the largest investor in the American government.

DESTRO

Wonderful! We now finally own America!

DESTRO, BARONESS, XAMOT, TOMAX

Cobraaaaaa!

COBRA COMMANDER

No! No, you fools!

BARONESS

Oh, again with this. The ‘incompetent traitor’ talk.

COBRA COMMANDER

You incompetent…(catches self) Look, that’s not why we became a legitimate business. We-

XAMOT

Wanted power.

COBRA COMMANDER

No! Well, yesss. But-

TOMAX

Wanted money?

COBRA COMMANDER

Well, the money was nice, but-

BARONESS

We wanted to rule the world! We don’t even need those silly plans to subvert other countries any more! 
We don’t even need to subvert this country! They gave us a legal path right to the White of House!

COBRA COMMANDER

We’re not here to subvert the country anymore! We were trusted to lead this country, and these positions 
we were elected to…well, sworn into, these positions are here to pay back the citizens. Not to take 
advantage of them and plunder the resources. But to use our talents to serve them with our leadership-

Destro pulls out the large drawing of Cobra Commander’s face on the moon.

DESTRO

Do you know what THIS is?

BARONESS

What is it?

DESTRO

I seem to recall a dream. A dream of a man who just wanted to carve his face…on the surface of the moon.

COBRA COMMANDER

I mean, that’d be nice, but that’s not even possible in the budget-

DESTRO

This is what you wanted, Cobra Commander. Assassinations, synthoids, Zartan posing as politicians that 
we’d kidnap.

ZARTAN

I can still do that!

Destro puts the drawing on Commander’s desk.

DESTRO

But here we are, you’ve been given that power. We put you in that place. And now we own this country. 
You can try to stop us while every branch of this government has been lobbied, and by that I mean 
“bought,” by Cobra, or you can let us carve up this country while you carve your face on the moon. YOU 
did all this. You finally have the chance, to be your own political puppet…

Scarlet walks in.

SCARLET

Honey, I just thought I heard you yelling about incompetent fools again. What is going on here?

COBRA COMMANDER

It’s just a policy meeting, Scarlet.

Scarlet sees the drawing of the moon with Cobra Commander’s face on it.

SCARLET

Is that…what is THAT?

BARONESS

This is awkward. I am going to step out in the Rose Garden for some smokes.

XAMOT

Me too.

TOMAX

Gotta run.

Baroness, Xamot, Tomax leave.

SCARLET

Is that what I think it is?

COBRA COMMANDER

Sweetie, it’s nothing.

SCARLET

Nothing, all right. This is when you were just a BIG nothing. And all your cronies, egging you on. Well, I’ve 
had it. I thought you really wanted to be a real leader and do the right thing for America. And this was…
(begins crying) This was all another one of your idiot plots, wasn’t it? How could I be so foolish? Well, 
fool me once, shame on me! Fool me twice…I’m not going to get fooled again!

Scarlet runs out, crying.

COBRA COMMANDER

Scarlet! No!

There’s a slight pause.

DESTRO

You know what, I thought I had another witty put down to really drive this whole thing home to you about 
being your own political puppet, but, uh, I’m just going to go.

Destro exits.

ZARTAN

You, uh…I can leave too.

COBRA COMMANDER

Please. (changes his mind) Wait, no. I do want you to do sssssomething for me.

ZARTAN

You don’t want me to pretend to be Scarlet, do you?

Lights out

==========================

Other characters in the first draft: Paul Bremer, Paul Wolfowitz, and John Yoo.

I'm not sure how the 2nd & 3rd draft played out, I don't want to look them up, but I imagine they're not important. I think the scenes were just the gang shutting down Commander as he tries to reign them in, and then quitting in defiance after he's learned that they raided the cookie jar. Here, just introduce one W-era baddie, then have the gang brag about how they're fleecing the nation with their Cobra war machine. Instead of them leaving for contemporary reasons (Baroness leaves for a country like the UAE, where she won't get taxed, but can't kiss Destro in public or anything like that) but I figured:

The gang is scheming to be Cobra again, but with unlimited power, and then Scarlet walks in. She mistakenly believes Commander reverting to his old ways, and leaves before he can explain.

And for the rest of the cast, their scheming has just ruined Commander's relationship with Scarlet, and it's awkward. It ruins their fun.