CITIZEN COBRA - Scenes 5 & 6

Here's two scenes. Scene 5 is REALLY short and serves to set up the stage for Scene 6 without a long blackout. Character list below, pointless notes to follow.


Scene 5: Cobra Commander & Destro
Scene 6: Baroness, Lady Jaye, Xamot, Tomax, Snow Job, Destro, Roadblock, Shipwreck

SCENE 5

Lights up; Cobra Commander and DESTRO are putting together the tables and chairs for the interviews. Destro is giddy.

COBRA COMMANDER

So then after he left, Xamot called freaking out because the House Ways And Means Committee had called 
him asking to draw up a no-bid contract.

DESTRO

A no-bid contract? Did you tell him about MARS? (begging) Oh please, Commander,
I could give you a pro-rated invoice by the end of the day! They’ll pay you to pay me!

COBRA COMMANDER

I didn’t even read the contract. What do you mean?

DESTRO

For every dollar you spend on MARS equipment, you charge them a dollar and two cents. That can add up 
really quickly. We can MAKE IT add up really quickly.

COBRA COMMANDER

I don’t think that’s why they called us, Destro. Aren’t you suspicious at all?

DESTRO

This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life! My dear Cobra Commander! You’re about to become a 
legitimate player on the world stage! You are going to wield actual influence on state matters!

The two have finished assembling the tables and chairs. They have walked far downstage right, the lights above their handy work has extinguished, leaving just the light above them.

COBRA COMMANDER

So what are we doing here? I thought Xamot and Tomax were going to sell their office building-

DESTRO

Well, we need to get a little outside help. We want to pull a job OFF for a change…not that…we ever 
didn’t… well, we need to broaden our talent pool, is what I’m saying. Some fresh blood in our ranks.

Their light goes out.

Scene 6

In the center is a desk, BARONESS behind it. On the left is XAMOT at another desk, on the right is TOMAX.

Center stage light up. BARONESS is talking to LADY JAYE. She’s looking at his resume.

BARONESS

So I see you’re in covert operations. Have you done any infiltrations?

LADY JAYE

I have. I’ve infiltrated Occupy Wall Street rallies, anti-war rallies, and several Cobra infantries, and I used 
that information from them to stop several…Cobra…plots (realizes she’s talking to a member of Cobra!)
…oh.

BARONESS

Relax, Ms. Hart-Burnett. We’re very impressed with your resume. Your actions as…a competitor signifies 
a willingness to complete the jobs we haven’t been able to finish …unless that’d be weird for you?

LADY JAYE

No, Ms. Baroness. I think I’m qualified for these kinds of missions.

Center stage light off; right up. TOMAX is interviewing ROADBLOCK, looking at ROADBLOCK’s resume

TOMAX

Now, in addition to handling machine guns and artillery, you are also…an accomplished chef?

ROADBLOCK

I handle all kinds of guns, but I cook for pure fun!

TOMAX

Wow, rhyming! You’d certainly add a bit of color to our ranks.

long pause!

ROADBLOCK

Excuse me?

TOMAX

Oh, I’m sorry. That was an off-color remark…THAT’S NOT what I intended. I meant you’d be a fresh 
and interesting troop…WELCOME in the ranks of Cobra weaponry training.

Tomax twitches and turns his head and nearly falls to the ground.

ROADBLOCK

What in the hey…are you okay?

Right light off, left light up. It’s XAMOT and SCARLET

SCARLET

I warned you, sir. I felt that your first comment was inappropriately suggestive and your advances 
unwelcome, and if you try to touch my leg again I will do more than slap your face.

XAMOT

(shakes his head up a little) I should mention that we also have a deployment bonus…

Left light down, center light up. BARONESS is now talking to SNOW JOB

SNOW JOB

As you can see, along with cross country training, I’ve also specialized in…
fire-making, and avalanche survivor services.

BARONESS

I’m sorry, Mr. Snow Job, but our organization doesn’t foresee any combat or security missions in the 
Antarctic, or Greenland, or even…(looks at resume) Lake Geneva. We wish you well in your other 
endeavors.

SNOW JOB

But…

BARONESS

You can see Storm Shadow on your way out for validating of parking.

Center light is down, left light back up. DESTRO (replacing Tomax) is now talking to Shipwreck.

SHIPWRECK

Um, I caaaaan tie knots. I can…do KP duty. I caaaan… Oh! I know how to work a periscope.

DESTRO

It says here that you once…defeated COBRA…by YOURSELF. Took down the entire organization.

SHIPWRECK

Can I level with you? That was just a Cobra plot. We managed to stop the plot, don’t get me wrong. But 
the whole thing was Cobra trying to convince me that I had singlehandedly defeated them, right? Turns out 
that I had information for a top secret formula that the Joes had entrusted ME with, and Cobra built an 
entire town and family history to fool me into letting my guard down so that I’d reveal that top secret 
formula. The plan didn’t work, of course.

DESTRO

I’m aware. Listen, now that you’re no longer a Joe, will you tell me the formula?

SHIPWRECK

What? Oh, sure. It’s club soda.

DESTRO

(pause) Club soda.

SHIPWRECK

Gets rid of all stains! I’m sorry: it was for a cleaning solution we were trying to choose in mess hall.

Destro starts banging his head against the desk. He sits upright.

DESTRO

Wait…you just gave me an idea!

Lights out.

===========================================

So, we bring back some of the Joes from scene 1, but just a few of them. Originally Flint was being interviewed, but since there were requests to cut down the characters and I was trying to be conscious of including more women in this show, I replaced him with Lady Jaye. She doesn't do much. We did this bit in CUBICLE! where characters were being interviewed, and the light above them would go on and they'd talk, and the light would go off and they'd shut up. So, maybe something similar, but with actors switching out the seats. I think whoever plays Roadblock could be Destro. Put on a mask and a black coat of some kind, and then take those off. That'd be ROUGH during this scene, but I think I gave them all enough time between bits to get up and on their mark. I'm not a fan of racial humor, even ironic anti-racial humor, but I put in that awkward moment between Roadblock and Tomax. 

In a previous draft, one of the scenes had two characters talk while taking apart the scene. I had learned in Scott Janus Monster Hunter that having a long blackout SUCKS. Any kind of blackout can test people's patience, and a blackout with actors moving a ton of stuff is probably exhausting for them and unsettling for the audience. I don't know, but the cast, during the first reading, seemed to appreciate a bit where actors were taking down the set DURING a scene. So I did that again with Scene 5, which was originally there just to get the 'pallet' and bed off the stage. Like, Destro & C.Commander would practically be in the audience discussing the situation while the other actors removed the bed and pallet. This is a slightly better plan.