Scene
3
Lights up. We’re still in Cobra
Commander’s throne room. Cobra Commander is sitting on his throne. Everyone
(DESTRO, ZARTAN, XAMOT, TOMAX, BARONESS) looks a little worn down. Destro’s and
Zartan’s clothes are torn. Xamot is holding a bunch of papers and is talking to
Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Ssssso, how much money do we have
left?
XAMOT
Whatever the FDIC determines is our
share in the settlement.
TOMAX
They only guarantee $250,000.
COBRA COMMANDER
I don’t undersssstand. I thought you
properly invessssted our holdingsssss.
XAMOT
We did.
TOMAX
With Bernie Madoff.
XAMOT
We saw him on Mad Money.
TOMAX
Seventeen percent with no reported
losses every year?
XAMOT & TOMAX
We knew it! Too good to be true!
COBRA COMMANDER
Well, all issss not losssst!
Baronessssss! Maybe you can help usss out! The economiesssss of Europe
are oursss for the taking!
are oursss for the taking!
BARONESS
Not quite, Cobra Commander. For you
see, it is not very stable in whichever country is my homeland.
COBRA COMMANDER
What?
BARONESS
They are all united under one
currency now…and it turned out that none of these countries were as
prosperous as they made themselves out to be. They inflated their sense of wealth! All countries that
were sympathetic to Cobra are now in debt…to Germany!
prosperous as they made themselves out to be. They inflated their sense of wealth! All countries that
were sympathetic to Cobra are now in debt…to Germany!
COBRA COMMANDER
Germany? No fair! They had their
chansssse! Dessstro! Please tell me you have better newsss…
what happened to you?
what happened to you?
DESTRO
My goodness, Cobra Commander, it’s a
madhouse! I barely escaped with my life! My men were butchered
by vicious warlords, and my weapons stolen by pirates! (takes down-center stage, to audience, very
animated) Not even swashbuckling ghost pirates, who were really Crimson Guards pretended to be ghosts
to scare away GI Joe so that they could unearth a conch shell that emitted frequencies that controlled all
men who heard it! No, these were just a bunch of CHILDREN…with AK-47s!
by vicious warlords, and my weapons stolen by pirates! (takes down-center stage, to audience, very
animated) Not even swashbuckling ghost pirates, who were really Crimson Guards pretended to be ghosts
to scare away GI Joe so that they could unearth a conch shell that emitted frequencies that controlled all
men who heard it! No, these were just a bunch of CHILDREN…with AK-47s!
COBRA COMMANDER
Wow... Zartan…tell me you had better
luck.
ZARTAN
Not even! Not only did I not find any
research scientists, I was nearly kidnapped by a drug cartel!
And almost killed!
And almost killed!
COBRA COMMANDER
Pathetic! You have all failed me
again!
DESTRO
Nonsense, Cobra Commander! We have
wasted decades with your outrageous and wasteful plans!
BARONESS
Silly nonsense while my family’s wealth and
status has been reduced to nothing in a unified Europe!
DESTRO
I could have been profiting off of
these fragmented warlords and drug dealers. But instead, we spent all this
time building amusement parks to try to kill one or two members of G.I. Joe.
time building amusement parks to try to kill one or two members of G.I. Joe.
BARONESS
The restaurant chain we built…with
missile silos! That wasn’t suspicious at all…
DESTRO
Ooh, how about when we needed
information from one Joe about a secret formula, so we built that entire
island and created all those synthoids to make him think he was living six years in the future and had a family
and a life after the Joes, and that it was safe to give up the formula? Remember? We built an entire fake
community? On an island? All those synthetic humans?
island and created all those synthoids to make him think he was living six years in the future and had a family
and a life after the Joes, and that it was safe to give up the formula? Remember? We built an entire fake
community? On an island? All those synthetic humans?
BARONESS
Some
of your plans are so convoluted that I think it’s hard to explain the endgoal,
even in Powerpoint.
COBRA
COMMANDER
I
illegally downloaded that copy of Powerpoint! COBRAAAA!
DESTRO
Countless insurgencies and wars I
could have been profiting from! And instead…
BARONESS
Instead we have been wasting our
time, resources and lives to your ridiculous world domination plans!
COBRA COMMANDER
Foolsss! You dare defy me! I’m Cobra
Commander! With G.I. Joe out of the picture, ssssoon I will rule
the world!
the world!
DESTRO
Don’t you get it, Commander? They got
rid of G.I. Joe because you’re no longer a threat!
COBRA COMMANDER
What…what did you sssssay?
BARONESS
It’s true. No one is afraid of Cobra.
Pirates, warlords, drug cartels…these people don’t need to align
themselves with us. We don’t have any more dictators we can rely on. Their governments have thrown
themselves into chaos. You wouldn’t last 30 seconds as ruler, if even 30 days.
themselves with us. We don’t have any more dictators we can rely on. Their governments have thrown
themselves into chaos. You wouldn’t last 30 seconds as ruler, if even 30 days.
COBRA COMMANDER
Traitorssss! I’m ssssurrounded by
incompetent traitorssss!
BARONESS
Which is it? Are we traitors or are
we incompetent? We never know whether we’re coming or
going with you!
going with you!
DESTRO
Frankly, the only damage you’re
capable of doing, Cobra Commander, is verbal abuse. And we’re tired of
it. Come, my dear Baroness. Let us attempt to enjoy a night out with Thai food. Now there’s a group of
people who know how to live under tyranny.
it. Come, my dear Baroness. Let us attempt to enjoy a night out with Thai food. Now there’s a group of
people who know how to live under tyranny.
Destro & Baroness leave arm in
arm.
COBRA COMMANDER
Who needs them! Xamot? Tomax? Where
can we go from there? Maybe the two of you can-
XAMOT
Forget it. This is a sign.
TOMAX
Time to divest our partnership. All
this time we’re laundering money for you and we get taken in by the best
scam of them all. Bernie Madoff. That should have been US.
scam of them all. Bernie Madoff. That should have been US.
COBRA COMMANDER
You two can’t desssssert me! Not now!
XAMOT
No, actually. My brother and I…
TOMAX
Are parting ways.
XAMOT & TOMAX
With each other.
XAMOT TOMAX
Jerk. Asshole.
COBRA COMMANDER
What…what happened? You two are
usually sssss clossse, but you’ve been acting ssssstrange lately…
XAMOT
It’s not a big deal.
TOMAX
He slept with my girlfriend.
XAMOT
That’s totally unfounded and you have
no proof.
TOMAX
Idiot! When you have sex with her, I
get the orgasm!
XAMOT
You should be thanking me then! (nudges Cobra Commander) She sure is.
TOMAX
Ugh, you’re a monster. So long,
brother. Goodbye, Cobra Commander.
Tomax leaves. Xamot follows him.
XAMOT
It’s called Erectile Dysfunction. I’m
just trying to help you!
Alone, Cobra Commander sits on his
throne.
COBRA COMMANDER
That’ssss it, then? Guardssss?
Anyone?
Lights slowly out.
================================================================
First, I have to explain why there's two scenes in the same setting, back to back, with a blackout between to suggest some passage of time. If I have to explain, I haven't done my job, but when I FIRST wrote this, Scene 2 and 3, though similar as far as the plot goes for all drafts, were a complete mess. I'm glad I was able to go back and fix it so that:
Scene 2: introduce Cobra. This is Cobra from the TV show. Cobra, plotting, to take over the world, and maybe stab each other in the back. Lots of dramatic bickering. And (originally) maybe a few broken shells in the group to suggest that the facade was breaking. Just as this moment might happen, Zartan bursts in with news from the first scene re: GI Joe. Cobra is reinvigorated, with purpose: time to live up to that potential and do what they've been wanting to do for 20 years.
Scene 3: Cobra is now a mess. The world is just too much for their cartoonish supervillainy. It is no longer bickering, it is now the realization that they put in a lot of effort and money to terrorize one or two GI Joe members at a time.
Do I have to explain it? Well, the initial script had everyone trying not to realize what a mess their little world was, and just how ridiculous their planning had been, but everyone got to have a dig at Cobra's efforts before Zartan walked in. So I had to clean it up: establish the cartoonish Cobra with just a hint of irrelevance, and then show that their world had crumbled long before they realized it.
I took out Dr. Mindbender. Initially he was sad over...SOMETHING. You'll notice a genetically grown super-leader isn't here either.
For the last draft, I thought about bringing back Zaranna, that she had not only succeeded with the new hypnotic music of the Dreadknoks, but that she wanted to test out these managerial skills now that she was on her own. Empowered.
Storm Shadow was not in this scene in any draft; another reason to axe him completely. His sole purpose in Scene 2 is to attack Xamot & Tomax so as to highlight that bit from the cartoon where if you hurt one, the other feels it. I think that if you hurt one, they BOTH feel it, but for the sake of (sigh) comedy and part of the story, if one gets punched, he doesn't feel it, but his brother will.
I did my best to imitate Cobra Commander from the show. You're either incompetent fools or traitors or incompetent traitors. The plots that are described here and in the first scene are also directly from the show.
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