CITIZEN COBRA - Scene 8

Here's Scene 8 from Citizen Cobra. Characters are just C.Commander, Scarlet, and Joe Biden.

SCENE 8

The coffee shop is empty except for SCARLET and COBRA COMMANDER. It is also in half disassembled. They are in the process of taking it down.

SCARLET

…So to pay for law school, I was teaching martial arts. I earned my first black belt when I was 15. Duke, 
you remember Duke? He saw me teach a class and recruited me so I could train a special group of soldiers 
that turned out to be G.I. Joe, and I got some intel clearance to fight this crazy snake themed terrorist 
organization and…well, you…know the rest.

COBRA COMMANDER

And now you’re here! In my hasssstily built sssseaside resort. Full sssircle.

SCARLET

Oh, I’m not making fun of you, am I?

COBRA COMMANDER

Don’t worry about it. I think this is a ssign. Maybe I shhould have been helping America thiss whole time.

SCARLET

How did you get into this, anyway? Your file is top secret, but it’s…also empty. We have years of intel and 
we don’t know a damn thing about you. Other than you slap your logo on everything.

COBRA COMMANDER

(sigh) I…met sssome people…angry at the government, well, angry at everything. So, I started Cobra. I 
got them to join, and I would ssssell them uniformsss I purchasssed in bulk. They would bring their 
friendsss…and I’d start collecting money in duessss. I told them that to keep the sssecret, they could only 
washhh their uniformsss at one particular Laundromat, and I’d get a kickback. Things like that. Ssssoon I’d 
have to ‘launder’ all that money ssssso I wouldn’t have to pay taxessss, and that’sss how I met Xamot and 
Tomax. And then the Baronessss, she was part of some old fascisssst regime exiled from some country and 
shhhe thought we had a good messsssage and got sssome like minded people to chip in. And shhee knew 
Dessstro, who was able to develop and ssssell usss all kinds of weaponsss… It just sssssnowballed, 
ssssuddenly we were building Pyramidsss of Darknessss and fake seaside communitiesss and I found 
mysssself fully committed to being a terrorissst.

SCARLET

Wait, happened to Serpentor? I thought your Mindbender pal made him to take over-

COBRA COMMANDER

Sssserpentor? Oh, ssssad sssstory. We thought we were building the perfect leader, and Dr. Mindbender 
thought it’d be bessssst to, you know, get the DNA from varioussss leaderssss who managed to conquer 
partsssss the world…Alexander The Great, Julius ssssaessssar, Ghenghis Khan…

SCARLET

Oh yeah, I remember. I got a bone bruise during one of those fights.

COBRA COMMANDER

Well, a lot of these guyssss, how did they die? They were assssasssinated or killed in combat…exsssept 
Napoleon.

SCARLET

Who died…in exile?

COBRA COMMANDER

Well, he died of sssstomach canssser. We didn’t check for things like that, and Ssserpentor… Well, Poor 
Dr. Mindbender, it was like he losssst a sssson. He hasssn’t been the sssame ssssinsse.

SCARLET

(covers her mouth because she might laugh) Oh my gawd, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry.

COBRA COMMANDER

Well, jussst one more Cobra plot that didn’t work.

SCARLET

I don’t know, this place is kind of amazing. You really stepped it up.

COBRA COMMANDER

Thank you, Scarlet.

SCARLET

Seriously, I hate to say this, if you were more personally involved on the front lines for some of these, I 
don’t know if we would have stopped you. You were kind of awesome back there. You really took 
command when your friends almost blew it again.

Cobra Commander glides over to a member of the audience.

COBRA COMMANDER

Is she hitting on me?

Cobra Commander heads back to his spot, resuming taking down the props and café setting.

SCARLET

And I really dig this entire island. You know what we should do? I saw this adorable restaurant with a 
missile silo a few blocks away. (puts her hand on Cobra Commander’s shoulder.) We should go over 
there and have dinner to celebrate a job well done. I brought a change of clothes.

Cobra Commander glides back to the same audience member.

COBRA COMMANDER

Oh my god, she IS hitting on me!

Cobra Commander heads back to his spot with Scarlet.

COBRA COMMANDER

Um, sure. Let me call ahead and tell them to not tear it down.

SCARLET

I’ll call Roadblock and see if he can make us something that’s NOT burned to a crisp.

SCARLET  heads to an exit. JOE BIDEN entering that way, nearly knocking her over. She stops and salutes.

SCARLET

Vice President Biden!

JOE BIDEN

At ease, toots. Unless you want something stiff and rigid…

SCARLET

Excuse me? Mr. Vice President, with all due respect-

JOE BIDEN

Hey Stretch, if your lady friend wants to show me respect, she can start…by doin’ me!

SCARLET

WHAT?

COBRA COMMANDER

Okay okay okay: Scarlet. I’ll meet you at the restaurant. I have to attend to some business.

JOE BIDEN

BIDEN-BIZNESS!

Scarlet shakes her head, she turns and exits.

COBRA COMMANDER

What issss it, Biden? You perssssonally came down to congratulate me? Do I need to clean up MORE of 
your administrationssss’ messssesss? Or did you just want to just eyeball my employees and lose the 
election over a sexual harassment charge?

JOE BIDEN

Column A, Column B, plenty of Column C, Stretch. Look, you just scored big for me. And not like a 
typical Biden score. Like when I’m scoring with some chick. Keep it up and cut me in, and you’ll be more 
than an errand boy for my administration.

COBRA COMMANDER

What do you mean, “cut you in”?

JOE BIDEN

I’m talkin’ a public profile. A private company that’s at the front lines of battle…and in the front pages of 
the business section. Go public with Cobra, appear on some talk shows, let me invest before you announce 
your IPO, and I guarantee that once I’m president, you’ll be shitting money hand over fist.

COBRA COMMANDER

That’sss the besssst analogy you could come up with?

Joe Biden starts walking toward the exit, speaking as he walks.

JOE BIDEN

You stick with Uncle Joe and take care of a few more things, and there might be a spot for you in my 
administration…MISTER. VICE. PRESI-

Joe Biden stops and snaps his fingers before turning around to face Cobra Commander.

JOE BIDEN

I’d rather be BALLIN’ your employee. Get it? When you said eyeballin’ your employee, I’m sayin’ I’d 
rather be ballin’-

COBRA COMMANDER

I’ll think about it.

JOE BIDEN

And you know what? I might LOSE the election, but I’ll get an erec-

COBRA COMMANDER

GET OUT!

Lights out.

========================================

This scene was a blessing is so many ways.

First: C.Commander's bit about his origin. I took a lot of liberty. If you were expecting a used car salesman or Cobra-La, too bad. I had heard a story on This American Life about a guy who infiltrated the KKK and, whether their intention is this from up high or this man's experience was an outlier of what goes on with hate groups, it gave me the idea that tapping into someone's distaste for society is a good way to sell uniforms and collect dues. There's a movie from 1949 called Jigsaw that touches on the same concept.

Anyway, this was his spiel in scene 4 when he was being offered the job by Agents Johnson and Johnson. When I replaced those characters Joe Biden, I cut Commander's bit for later as the scene would be dominated by Biden. The actor playing Biden can't give Commander an inch, he's gotta steamroll that terrorist with his Biden charm into going along. Cobra Commander just has to sit there and take it and be left there on the stage holding just a check, wondering what happened.

(Which brings me to ANOTHER point: whoever would play C.Commander? They'd have to be very animate in addition to getting the voice right, as their face would be covered the whole time. Sorry about that, handsome actor!) 

Second: a scene where the actors remove the set pieces from the previous scene AS PART OF THE SHOW! This got some joyous approval from the cast during the first reading. It cuts down on blackout time for sure. The actors have plenty to do, and plenty to say, and that should give them enough time.

Third: Scarlet puts the moves on C.Commander! Up the ante: she falls...for her SWORN ENEMY! He was successful (though, c'mon, just how successful?) and that might've been a turn on for her, I don't know. Or maybe they're on the same side and now and their working together changes their dynamic...whatever. I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

HOWEVER, I will say: her "hitting" on him should be subtle. Part of the conversation. At the live reading, the actress changed her tone for these lines and 'put the moves' on Commander. I'm not knocking her acting ability, just the short preparation and what we all think to be 'hitting on.' I've seen girls "throw themselves" at guys and it's not and saucy as you think when it's done during causal conversation. "You know what we should do?" is upbeat, friendly. Not some milf hitting on Adam Sandler in one of his movies. Hopefully you get the idea.

Biden shows up to break up the scene. Scarlet leaves, Biden and C.Commander have a conversation to set up whatever happens next. I had changed his dialogue a tiny bit; the last version, his sleaze was amped up and it made some of the actors uncomfortable. So I whittled it down a bit.