CITIZEN COBRA - Scene 9

Scene 9. This scene changed completely each draft. When we did the live reading, it came out pretty well. On an actual stage, we'd have to figure out a lot of staging and lighting that I'm sure the cast/crew would hate. It also introduces several characters who won't make appearances again.


Characters: Cobra Commander, Destro, Scarlet, Xamot, Tomax, Joe Biden, Baroness, Zartan

President Assad - dictator of Syria
Vladimir Putin - ruler of Russia
Hugo Chavez - dictator of Venezuela

Scene 9

Lights up stage left to reveal: Syrian President Assad is rapping to himself. Cobra Commander and Scarlet walk up to him.

ASSAD

(to the tune of “Fuck The Police”) Fuck the people! Fuck, fuck, fuck the people! Said Assad with authority! Fuck the people! Fuck, fuck –

COBRA COMMANDER

Excuse me, Mr. Assad?

ASSAD

Yes, I am President Assad, I’m quite busy butchering my citizens and Iraqi refugees right now, how can I 
help you?

Cobra Commander punches Assad, knocking him out.

SCARLET

Was that really necessary? We were just going to ask him to stop bombing.

COBRA COMMANDER pulls out a ukulele or guitar & strums the basic chords to Bryan Addam’s Everything I Do.

COBRA COMMANDER

Look into my mask, you will see

beauty that inspires me

We were enemies, who have the same goals

Only one country matters, we will destroy its foes!

Don’t tell me, I used to be the bad guy

For America, and the money too, that’s why.
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Lights down, but lights up on stage right, VLADIMIR PUTIN is sitting at a desk (card table), writing on something. Xamot and Tomax walk up to a “door” outside Putin’s imaginary office.

XAMOT

Now remember, wait here, let me handle this.

TOMAX

Okay, but I still think I’m the better negotiator.

Xamot knocks on the “door”

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Da. Enter.

Xamot “enters”

XAMOT

President Putin? I’m Xamot…with Crimson Holdings? You used to buy weapons from my friend Destro?

VLADIMIR PUTIN

Da. How can I help you?

XAMOT

I’d like you to stop sending technical workers and soldiers to Syria and Iran and…pretty much every other 
country America would like a stake in.

VLADIMIR PUTIN

You dare challenge me, the great Putin! In Russia, Putin means “The Iron Penis Crusher.” (takes off shirt, 
revealing mma style tattoos) Prepare to meet your doom!

Putin gets all MMA on Xamot, who barely flinches on Putin’s punches and kicks. However:

TOMAX

AAARGH! OUCH! OOF! SHIT! (more cries of pain as he doubles over, feeling Xamot’s abuse)

Lights out, lights up on stage left.

COBRA COMMANDER
I do this, it’s what you’d do yourself!

And maybe for my own personal wealth

You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Iights down, Lights up Center stage, HUGO CHAVEZ holds up an envelope. Baroness and Zartan approach from the darkness, Zartan dressed like Chavez.

HUGO CHAVEZ

Ah! Right here do I, Hugo Chavez, dictator of Venezuela, hold the KEY! The formula! For creating OIL! 
That is correct! I, Hugo Chavez, can now produce my own fossil fuels…FROM SCRATCH! Now the 
Americans will have to play ball with me, Hugo Chavez! And surely if they send a spy to copy my every 
move and appear as my exact double, the enslaved peasants of Venezuela would never fall for it!

Zartan & Baroness look at each other and nod. Zartan raises a blunt object over Chavez to knock him out. Chavez turns to see Baroness.

HUGO CHAVEZ

(to Baroness) Ah! Sofia Vergara!

ZARTAN

What? No!

HUGO CHAVEZ

You got my letter!

Lights down, lights up stage right. Putin continues to pummel Xamot, who doesn’t budge. He yawns. Tomax is wimpering, reacting to every punch. Lights down, lights up stage left; Cobra Commander & Scarlet have moved to the center. JOE BIDEN enters and walks up to the audience.

JOE BIDEN

BAM! Joe Biden for President! Do I got your vote? Makin’ the world safe, BIDEN-STYLE! BAM! Hey, 
honey, can I get your number? You wanna tour of the Biden house? The Lincoln Bedroom has a mirror on 
the ceiling. BAM! Biden!

 Destro walks in on Assad, who is recovering.

DESTRO

That’s a message FROM AMERICA, Mr. Assad. And don’t you forget it.

Destro begins to walk away, but turns and kneels down to Assad.

DESTRO

By the way, if you need any more grenades or chemical weapons, my company, Mars Weapons, is having a 
sale this week. Here’s a catalog.

Lights down, lights up center stage. Cobra Commander is dancing with Scarlet. Hugo Chavez is wining and dining Baroness at another card table. Baroness is very giddy.

COBRA COMMANDER

You know it’s true,

Everything I do, I do it for youuuuuuu

Chavez whispers something into Baroness’s ear. She nods. Zartan is watching, fuming.

ZARTAN

Oh come ON.

Chavez & Baroness get up and dance. Lights down, lights up stage right. Putin has slowed down his attack on Xamot, with Tomax on the ground, merely wimpering with every half-hearted punch by Putin. Putin finally collapses on Xamot, who pushes him to the ground. He looks at Tomax.

XAMOT

Ah, what the hell.

Xamot punches himself in the groin. Tomax nearly flips over.

TOMAX

AOOOH!

Lights down, lights up center. Baroness and Chavez are still slow dancing, with Baroness facing the audience, Chavez’ back to the audience. Baroness holds up the envelope! She has…espionage!

ZARTAN

That’s IT!

ZARTAN knocks Hugo Chavez out and takes the plans and exits, Baroness giddily following him.

BARONESS

Did you see? I espionage!

ZARTAN

Yeah yeah yeah.

COBRA COMMANDER                                         SCARLET

You know it’s true.                                               Yes, “I do.”

Everything I do                                     I really do!

I do it for youuuuuuu

Lights out.

==================================

1st draft: C.Commander & Baroness appear on Meet The Press to answer inquiries about Cobra's activities. Destro discovers that Cobra Commander is more popular than Biden, and buys NBC and uses it as an advertising arm to launch Cobra Commander's presidency.

2nd draft: It's a debate between Biden and a Sarah Palin impersonator ("One Of The Kardashians" was the name of the character). During the debate, Destro realizes the same thing as in the first draft, and C. Commander interrupts the debate to announce his presidency.

Both ideas suggest too much time between scenes. I mean, a campaign launched from a television program, or in the middle of a debate? That's a whole 'nother show. This would be the longest setup, and the 1st draft itself was 14 or 15 scenes, so we're talking more than half the show to set up the idea of Commander becoming president. Why not further showcase his troops? Why not show Cobra continuing to make a bigger difference than GI Joe?

So, another 'montage,' which is just a potential for a clusterfuck (a lot of people doing different things on the same stage) in the middle of a live play. This was a hard scene to write, because the risk of not being clear enough and having it translate terrible. I was prepared to have to answer a zillion questions about the whos and the whats and the whys, but the staged reading folks got it right. They even solved a major problem, when exactly would Cobra Commander be singing "everything I do?" The actor just lightly strum the chords on a ukulele while the remaining actors cycled through their bits. It worked out quite nicely!

Baroness wasn't in this scene in that draft, and so it was just Hugo Chavez mistaking Zartan (dressed as Chavez) as Sofia Vergara. One of my pet peeves is someone making 'gay' jokes in...well, anything, and someone pointed out that that might qualify. So I threw Baroness in there, and it works much better, in that she gets the credit for misleading Hugo Chavez while the Cobra Master Of Disguise again fails to fool anyone.