CITIZEN COBRA - Scene 7

Not today, but I have to review new albums by the following:
-Local H
-Corrosion Of Conformity
-Royal Thunder
-Man...Or Astro-Man?
-...and some other stuff.

In the meantime, here's Scene 7.

Characters: Cobra Commander, Destro, Scarlet, Zartan, Storm Shadow, Mahmood Ahmadinejad, Xamot & Tomax.

SCENE 7

Lights up. We’re in a café. It’s a “Cobra-Bucks.” Cobra Commander and SCARLET are the baristas. They’re wearing red aprons over their regular joe/Cobra costumes. DESTRO is the standing on the other side of the counter.

COBRA COMMANDER

I don’t undersssstand. Why did you have me build a Ssssstarbuckssss on this island? I want to rule the 
world, not make coffee!

DESTRO

(frustrated; putting up with this all day) My dear Cobra Commander, we’re not here to make coffee!

SCARLETT

I am!

DESTRO

That’s the spirit! The former Joes snagged the target and they’re bringing him now. Zartan and Storm 
Shadow are going to handle the rest. Just act like an employee at this quickly constructed café in this quickly 
constructed seaside community and play along. You take the order, she serves the coffee.

COBRA COMMANDER

This issssn’t going to work!

DESTRO

Positive attitude!

COBRA COMMANDER

It HASN’T worked!

SCARLETT

Yeah, I was wondering why you’d try this again.

ZARTAN & STORM SHADOW walk in. Zartan is wearing a beret, Storm Shadow dressed like Kim Jong IL

COBRA COMMANDER

Oh my god! Sssssaddam Hussssein! I thought he was dead!

Zartan pulls off the beret.

COBRA COMMANDER

Zartan! When did you get here?

DESTRO

(Frustrated, last straw) Zartan is pretending to be Saddam Hussein! They’re almost here, and I have 
MARS drones on their way to Iran right now. (calms down, perks up) Everyone, this is our big shot. Can I 
get a “Cobra!”?

COBRA COMMANDER, ZARTAN, STORM SHADOW                        SCARLETT

Cooobra!                                                                                               Yo Joe!

SCARLETT

Oh, sorry, force of habit. COBRAAAAA!

DESTRO

Here they come!

Destro runs offstage. Zartan puts on his beret. Cobra Commander points at him, as if to wonder where Zartan went and Saddam came from. Zartan and Storm Shadow stand in line. XAMOT and TOMAX storm in, leading MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD wearing a sack over his head. They stand him in line and pull the sack off his head. XAMOT throws some water in Ahmadinejad’s face and as Ahmadinejad starts to come to, Xamot & Tomax exit where they entered.

AHMADINEJAD

Wha…where am I?

ZARTAN

MAHMOUD! My friend! What sort of coffee drink did you want?

AHMADINEJAD

Wait, what? Are you…Saddam? Hussein?

ZARTAN

Yes, my friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad! We are here enjoying a cup of coffee with our good friend Kim 
Jong IL!

STORM SHADOW

Greetings, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,leader of Iran.

Zartan clears his throat.

STORM SHADOW

I mean, happily retired leader of Iran.

AHMADINEJAD

I don’t understand. I was just in meeting with my generals…we were discussing the suppression of our 
citizens…

ZARTAN

Oh, my friend, that was years ago!

AHMADINEJAD

Years ago?

STORM SHADOW

Yes. After the three of us defeated the great satan, America, we retired to this seaside community where we 
enjoy year ‘round breezy yet comfortable weather, and engage in friendly antics, as we reminisce over the 
defeat of our enemies.

ZARTAN

And it was all because of you, Mahmoud! Thanks to you, our collective friendship was able to fight off 
George Bush the third’s brutal regime and free the people of America into Sharia Law!

AHMADINEJAD

But..no, that can’t be. You and I…we were enemies!

ZARTAN

(Zartan has done no research into Saddam’s past whatsoever) What?

AHMADINEJAD

You invaded Iran! We had a war!

ZARTAN

(pretty sure someone would have told him that) No, no we didn’t.

Scarlett, trying to get Zartan’s attention, is nodding her head.

AHMADINEJAD

Yes you DID! It was even called…the Iran-Iraq war!

ZARTAN

(still not convinced) Oh nonsense, if that were the case they certainly wouldn’t’ve called the three of US 
“The Axis Of Evil,” am I right?

Zartan & Storm Shadow hi-five.

STORM SHADOW

And since then, you, our friend Saddam, and myself, communist and atheist Kim Jong Il, have enjoyed some 
time off as good friends in this lovely and completely real community that is not a front for-

COBRA COMMANDER

(clears throat to cut off Storm Shadow) Would you like ssssssome coffee?

ZARTAN

Oh, of course! I would like some…coffee.

SCARLETT

Comin’ right up.

Scarlett pulls out an already prepared cup of coffee.

STORM SHADOW

I, Kim Jong IL, former leader for life of North Korea until the defeat of America and our coincidental 
simultaneous retirement in this seaside community, would like…a latte.

SCARLETT

You got it, boss.

Scarlett pulls out an already prepared cup of…latte.

ZARTAN

(to Storm Shadow) You can stop with that. (to AHMADINEJAD) Mahmood, my friend, what would you 
like to drink?

AHMADINEJAD

My head…such pain. I remember being in a meeting, and then suddenly…the last thing I remember is 
gunfire, and a man rhyming poorly about barbequing. And then… (puts hand on back of head, as if that 
was the last thing he felt before being kidnapped)

ZARTAN

Perhaps it is a head injury that keeps you from remembering!

AHMADINEJAD

Perhaps if I had some tea…

SCARLETT

(panics) Tea?

AHMADINEJAD

…I might feel better.

Scarlett, having never worked a customer service job before, panics, and pulls out a walkie talkie.

SCARLETT

Abort! Abort!

Commander motions for her to stop talking and put away the walkie talkie.

COBRA COMMANDER

Why don’t you have a ssseat and we’ll…bring the tea to you?

Scarlet is amazed by this direction; Zartan and Storm Shadow walk Ahmadinejad to a table. They sit.

ZARTAN

Oh, the good times we’ve had since then! Am I right?

AHMADINEJAD

I still don’t remember. And we defeated America?

ZARTAN

Damn straight! All thanks to you, Amigo!

AHMADINEJAD

Wait, aren’t you dead? (to Storm Shadow) Aren’t you ALSO dead?

STORM SHADOW

What?

ZARTAN

No, we’re not…(can’t remember if Saddam Hussein is still alive) Are we? I thought…we were still…alive?

COBRA COMMANDER

That was jusssst a trick…Yeah. They wanted the Americansss to think they were dead, sssso that their 
guard would be down.

AHMADINEJAD

And…how did I defeat the Americans?

As both Zartan & Storm Shadow stammer, Cobra Commander steps out from behind the counter.

COBRA COMMANDER

If I, a lowly coffee barista on this seaside community, remember my hissssstory booksss well enough, you 
courageoussly built a weather device that would control the weather, and then built a giant ‘pyramid of 
darknessss’ that forsssed the resssst of the world to get their power from…you.

AHMADINEJAD

And that…worked?

COBRA COMMANDER

(sullenly, to audience) It…ssshould have.

ZARTAN

And it did. Thanks for the reminder, coffee barista! And now we all get our power from your nuclear power 
plants!

STORM SHADOW

Which…are located…where, exactly?

AHMADINEJAD

What? Those? Well, from what I last remember, I had one in…

Everyone leans in to listen to Ahmadinejad

AHMADINEJAD

Bushehr…

Storm Shadow clocks Ahmadinejad in the back of the head, Ahmadinejad goes out like a light.

SCARLETT

(into Walkie Talkie) Bushehr. Objective is located in Bushehr. Over.

Destro runs in.

DESTRO

Did we get it?

SCARLETT

We got it!

COBRA COMMANDER

Wait, it worked?

DESTRO

Iran will be without nuclear power or weapons in a matter of minutes. All thanks to you!

SCARLETT

(hugs Cobra Commander) You were amazing! You totally saved our butts…twice!

DESTRO

Okay, get rid of the body and move out. We have to tear down this fake seaside community stat.

Scarlett & Destro start grabbing some props, exit. Zartan & Storm Shadow grab 
Ahmadinijad and head the other way. Xamot &Tomax re-enter and also grab some props or 
even scenery.

COBRA COMMANDER

Oh my, one of my plansss WORKED.

Lights out.

=====================================================

This part of the script was pretty much intact. On this pass for the 4th draft, I did whatever I could to simplify dialogue and move the scene along. Is there some room for physical humor? I hope there'd be room so the actors playing Zartan, Storm Shadow and Ahmadinejad to do so at their interpretive leisure. 

However, there were some bits that, depending on my involvement with the production once the script was finalized, I had to make sure were delivered as I saw them. Like Destro about to lose his shit on C.Commander because C.Commander was the only person who was falling for Zartan's disguises. "FOR THE LAST TIME" he shouts, and then composes himself. Frustrated beyond belief, but taking that step back when you're depending on that person you're frustrated with because you're depending on them and This Is It and There's No Going Back. (Why make C.Commander that person? Because it's his organization, his at-bat with the government, and it's his show!)

After the live reading, I replaced Flint with Lady Jaye in the previous scene; I realized later that I could have her fill in for Storm Shadow here as well, giving her more to do. The reasoning could be that Cobra 'casts' her to act as Kim Jong Il, because "Kim" is a Western girl name, and their intelligence is just that faulty. Even the U.S. government's. I think the scene would involve someone at the beginning pointing out Il's correct gender, and Lady Jaye defiantly ignoring and going along with it, "then why is his name 'KIM', dummy?" That might not be GREAT comedy, but the character offers a different attitude and thus different possibilities, and her personality would require different dialogue, and thus cut down the wordy run-on explanation from Storm Shadow, who I can only see over-explaining everything if he were told to partake in this sort of deception.

For me, here, it was important that the gang succeeds. And then as I was writing it, I thought it'd be great to have Scarlet fall for the now competent Cobra Commander. 

There IS a power plant in Busher, by the by.

If you can't tell by the references in some of the other scenes, especially in #6, the "Cobra built a fake island just to get one guy" is an actual plot. I'm not sure, but it looks like it was the two-parter finale before the animated cartoon tried to change the show's momentum by almost killing off Duke and establishing the snake-people-society. It always got me how much resources had to be spent to build a fake seaside community just to get the information from one guy. So I did what I could to set it up that Cobra would try to use this plot in an attempt to foil one of America's enemies.